A few years ago, while deep cleaning his house, Jonathan Graham found his next goal. It came in the form of a business card from a foster care agency, which was given to him at a Pride event a couple of years before.

Jonathan, who had been wondering where to put his energy next, began taking classes toward becoming a licensed treatment foster parent, which would place youth who have experienced profound trauma in his care.

“I wanted to invest my energy into working with kids. I had the space, and I had the capability,” said Jonathan. “Fostering was an area I wanted to explore.”

During his training, Jonathan made another life-changing decision. While working with the professionals who helped license prospective foster parents, Jonathan decided that he was suited for work in child welfare. As he closed in on licensing, Jonathan identified an online degree program and started studying. He’s about a year away from completing his bachelor’s degree in social work with a minor in psychology.

Today, in addition to being a treatment foster parent, Jonathan is a Training Specialist with Cornerstones of Care’s Collaborative Learning and Training team.

Missouri currently has 354 treatment foster homes, but there are far more youth in need than available homes. To serve as a treatment foster parent, additional training is required, and increased compensation is available for those who step up to meet the need. Renea Nash manages Cornerstones of Care’s Treatment Foster Care program and recently shared how her team supports and trains foster parents working with children who have experienced profound trauma.

“Without a home setting, the only other option for youth in treatment foster care is residential living,” said Jonathan.

Around the time Jonathan embarked on his journey as a treatment foster parent, he also met his partner, Patrick Lawless, after Patrick’s mother swiped right on Jonathan’s profile on a dating app. At the time, Patrick lived about three hours away, near Wichita, and was starting to feel settled in his newly purchased house. About a year ago, Jonathan mentioned to Patrick that he was a foster parent, a few weeks later, he told Patrick that he was going to begin fostering David.*

Twelve-year-old David is Jonathan’s second treatment foster youth. Before coming into Jonathan’s care, David was placed in several homes with a typical stay of about two months. David’s history includes being in and out of the foster care system, separated from his siblings, abandoned by his parents on several occasions, neglected, and severely abused. David has been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, and DMDD (disruptive mood dysregulation disorder).

Jonathan and Patrick need to be calm, consistent, and patient in fostering David. They already have given him, by far, the longest placement experience that he has had in foster care.

Jonathan and Patrick have been working with David on the concept of “no” – being told that it’s not possible to do something right then and there and to be able to pivot emotionally if plans must change. In the beginning, David felt rejected and would go into crisis.

“We’ve had to do a lot of reconditioning to work on ‘no,’” said Jonathan. “We want him to understand that it’s okay to be told no, and it might be a situational no, meaning it’s not something we can do right now.”

Jonathan and Patrick made sure to point out each time David managed his emotions without crisis. It created an opportunity to praise David for regulating his emotions over a seeming rejection.

“We make sure to tell him ‘You handled that tough situation in a healthy way,” Patrick said. “I’m proud of you.’”

The couple is also teaching David responsibility through projects like keeping his room clean and organized or rehanging his shower curtain if part of it comes down. The accountability gives David a sense of accomplishment and teaches him problem-solving skills that prepare him to face new challenges.

“I wish more people knew the commitment it takes,” said Patrick. “I think a lot of people go into foster care and don’t see the level of dedication necessary to help a child. We need to build a bond with a kiddo that will change their life and put them on the path to success.”

Trust is a crucial element of building a secure attachment bond, and being present and available is a big part of that trust. About six months ago, Patrick and Jonathan were confident enough in their relationship that Patrick moved from Wichita to Kansas City and became licensed in traditional foster care. When Patrick begins his treatment foster care training later this summer, Jonathan plans to join him as a refresher.

Patrick works as an Adult Case Manager for Missouri Mental Health Resources. In his work, he sees adults who often haven’t had the benefit of earlier intervention, like Treatment Foster Care, to help them work through trauma. This gives Jonathan and Patrick a common understanding of what they may be seeing with David.

“Behavior is my wheelhouse,” said Jonathan. “I’m passionate about behavior. I enjoy studying it, I enjoy analyzing it, and I enjoy working with it.”

David’s abandonment issues and multiple home placements have not made trust easy. In a recent therapy session, David told the couple he still doesn’t fully trust them, which was difficult to hear. They had thought they’d made strides with David and were frustrated that he didn’t see that. They also knew that David would have to build that trust on his own time.

“It gave us clarity on where we were at and how much further we still need to go,” said Jonathan. “We know now that we need to have more meaningful conversations and to keep validating his feelings more than we already were.”

Even if Jonathan and Patrick haven’t yet earned David’s trust, they have fond memories of the connections they’ve made with him over the past year.

“Last Christmas, we had boxes and wrapping paper flying around, and I could sit back and watch,” said Patrick. “Seeing David opening his presents with foster grandparents and other family members was a very nostalgic moment for me.”

One of David’s Christmas gifts was tickets to a Kane Brown concert. Brown, a top-selling country musician, has special significance for David because his sister is a fan, and the music has a strong emotional impact on him. When David is elevated emotionally, listening to Brown’s music can help him relax. Jonathan recalled feeling a connection with David when attending the concert earlier this year.

“He was living out a dream and connecting with music on a deep level,” said Jonathan.

Helping David learn and grow can be challenging for Jonathan and Patrick and their relationship. As the common saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Jonathan and Patrick understand the value of giving each other short breaks to reduce stress when working with David becomes overwhelming.

“When it comes to taking a self-care break, it’s all about doing something where I can zone out for a second,” said Patrick. “It can be building a Lego set or watching a Disney movie. I am aware of my feelings when I do these activities. I can regulate and identify when I am ready to come back to the situation.”

Jonathan sometimes struggles to recognize when he needs to practice self-care, and having Patrick remind him is helpful. Music helps, and Jonathan puts in his earbuds and occasionally takes walks for some fresh air.

“I take the time I need and then jump back into things with a clear and level mind again,” said Jonathan.

Jonathan and Patrick are well matched in another way: They often find deep cleaning is a good way to decompress. More than once, the pair have put in earbuds and wordlessly deep-cleaned their house as part of their self-care routine.

“By the time we’ve finished cleaning, we’re either exhausted, or we are in a place to talk about it and what we need to do moving forward,” said Patrick.

*Name changed to protect privacy