Balancing Traditions and Transitions: Navigating the Holidays in Foster Care

Like many families, Kali and Cameron Cool decorate their Christmas tree with their children every December. It’s typically a joyful event, with everyone pitching in to hang the lights and ornaments, but this year, one family member was notably absent.

“My big kid, my 14-year-old, struggles just to feel happy or joyful or even want to celebrate this time of year,” said Kali.

*Elijah and his nine-year-old sister were placed with the Cool family through foster care in 2022. They lived there for seven months and were in the process of being adopted by another family when plans quickly fell through.

“When that disruption happened, we decided that was our time to become an adoptive family for them,” said Kali. Elijah and his sister will officially be adopted on February 5, 2024.

While the entire Cool family is excited about the long-awaited adoption day, getting through the holidays has been more difficult than expected.

“For a long time, every Christmas for him was in a different house,” said Kali. “Christmas, as we all know, is full of traditions. For him, it’s a reminder that he doesn’t have those traditions and has never been part of them because he hasn’t been in one place for more than a year.”

Making space during the holidays for kids in foster care to experience their complex emotions is an essential part of healing and growth, said Shannon Garber and Brittany Lutz, Family Development Specialists. In their role, Shannon and Brittany support foster and adoptive families year-round with caring for children in their care.

“The big thing I do is try to prepare the new families,” said Brittany. “We just naturally have high expectations for how our holidays go. I prepare them that it may not go as planned and help them think through what the child may experience as far as grief and loss and the trauma triggers.”

“That grief and loss is present for so many of the children,” said Shannon. “Not knowing if they’ll have visits with families – is that even known or expected? They’re missing links to their past.”

The difficult reality is that grief and loss are not just present for the kids this time of year but for foster parents and biological parents, too.

A year earlier, the Cool family said goodbye to a 17-month-old foster child who had been part of their family for over a year. He was reunited with his birth mom just days before Christmas.

“I didn’t expect this Christmas to be difficult because of that, but it is all coming back,” said Kali. “We all love what we’re doing, and we wouldn’t change what we do, but there’s so many things that we’re carrying as foster parents.”

What’s important for Kali during these tough times is remembering the real reason they chose to foster – to reunite kids with their biological parents. To this day, the Cool family maintains a relationship with the son and his mom, and feel like the situation, while challenging, has worked out for the better.

“Now we get this amazing relationship with his birth mom, and our kids still get to play with him,” said Kali. “That’s been such a blessing for our family.”

Jesse and Staci McSpadden, foster parents near Zona Rosa, have a similar perspective on maintaining relationships with birth parents, especially during the holiday season.

“We are fostering a little boy, and he is about 20 months old now,” said Staci. “We’ve had him since he was a little less than a week old.”

While Staci and her husband have not been able to contact the birth parents due to addiction and incarceration, they maintain several vital relationships with extended family members.

“We are close with the foster child’s grandparents, and we try to get together with them at least once a month,” said Staci. “His biological grandma lives out of state, and she tries to Facetime and likes when we send her pictures. She’s reaching out and asking what the kids want for Christmas and coordinating those things.”

While there is joy in being able to connect children with their birth families during the holiday season, foster families also have to navigate plans and expectations from their own extended families. To help with this, Shannon and Brittany suggest communicating to extended family members ahead of time how things might look different at family gatherings.

“When you’re around a lot of family members or extended families, remind them that it’s okay to parent differently than they think you should,” said Shannon.

Trauma responses can be unpredictable, and it’s wise to have a plan in place for when a tantrum happens or if someone needs a break from the festivities.

“We even talk about that in our pre-service class with our foster and adoptive families,” said Shannon. “Family gatherings, going to the store – try to assess in the moment and prioritize how to address that with your kids and train your extended family about how that will look.”

Communicating directly with extended family members about how they can best support you during the holidays can also be beneficial. Patience and flexibility may be two of the greatest gifts that family members can provide to their loved ones.

“I think even a gift card or meals are helpful,” said Shannon. “Little things that can take the pressure off the families.”

One important support system that foster families may or may not already take advantage of is programs like Cornerstones of Care’s NASB’s North Pole, which provides gifts to over 1,500 youth in foster care each year. The Family Development Specialists and case managers hand-deliver the gifts to families.

“I always feel like I’m Santa Claus,” said Brittany. Last year, she delivered gifts to 27 youth in rural Missouri within a two-hour radius. “It’s so neat to be able to do that for these families, and they’re very appreciative that we do it.”

Staci and her family have particularly appreciated the support from KCMO Angels, a nonprofit that supports the foster care community through intentional giving, relationship building, and mentorship.

“Over the past two years, they come once a month and just hang out with us,” said Staci. “There are a few people who have experience fostering, and they are a great resource, especially on the bad days of the roller coaster ride. During the holidays, they package up a box of gifts not only for our foster child but also for our two biological kids.”

One of the local churches in Trenton, MO, where Kali and her family live, hosts a Christmas party for kids in foster care, complete with gifts, a special meal, and Christmas cookies.

“I think it’s a great event to come around all the foster kids and parents all in one,” said Kali. “I know personally when I go to that event, I feel understood and connected, and it’s just a good time to be with all those people.”

The experiences of grief and sadness during the holidays are real, and so, too, are those moments of loving connection and unbridled joy, especially for the kiddos who may not have gotten to experience that in the past. For some, it may be their first time picking out a Christmas tree, getting gifts, or participating in other fun family traditions, and those moments are special and worth celebrating.

“Every year, we drive through the same light show, and we always make cookies,” said Staci. “Christmas with kids is just so fun because they love it so much, especially the little ones, and I love making those memories with them.”

*Name changed to protect privacy